Put Off Your Old Self


Your body is not for you. Your life is not for you. Your sleep is not for you. Your health is not for you.


You can bear discomfort longer than you thought you could. Not just because you are patient and compassionate. Actually, you are not those things. You are far meaner and more selfish than you realized. You can bear discomfort longer than you thought you could because you have to. At a certain point, you cannot stop the pain. So you bear it.


Your husband, God bless him, has no idea. He has no idea.


To form and sustain a fetus, all he had to do was orgasm.


To form and sustain a fetus, your hips will widen past their limit so that when you lay down, sit down, stand up, or walk, you feel like your pelvis is ripping apart. Your ligaments will elongate to their breaking point, and you will feel every millimeter approaching that break. Your skin will stretch so quickly, it will tear in more places than you can count. It will never look the way it did before. You will lose calcium stores. You will lose energy. You will lose the ability to sleep. You will gain weight. Your feet will permanently enlarge. Your back will hurt. Your fingers will swell. People will feel sorry for you, but only to a point.


You will lose yourself.


Surrender is your only option.


Surrender is freedom.


Surrender is joy. 


Put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.


Before you were, I thought of you the way a person falls in love.

Indulgently. Entirely.

And as the reality of you enters into its fullness

A little more with every breath

Every smile

Every gurgle

Every cry

Every cuddle, kiss, hug, touch given

Or withheld

I am struck by this:

One day, one of us will stop living.

I pray that it would be me first the way a person wakes from a nightmare.

Urgently. Violently.

And if my wish comes true, my death will leave you with an undying ache.

I am terribly sorry about that.

I hope that along with that grief,

I will have left you with more.

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